Just Be Happy

“Just Be Happy.”

 

I have heard this statement from many an individual. And it stings each time, often at varying degrees. I have noticed that this statement hits me the most when such words fall from the mouths of those who I care deeply for, who have, at the least, gone out of their way to express their care for me.

I remember one particular moment in time when I was falling into that dark and dreary place; at the most inconvenient of times. One of my best friends had just gotten married. We had all wished her and her new husband off well, and myself and my college friends all reunited to have a bon fire and cookout. We went swimming. Ate hamburgers. Joked around a warm fire. I got to see friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, shared stories, and sought advice. There was nothing around me except laughter and warmth. I should have been nothing but “happy.” And yet I started to drown.

One of my closest friends noticed a shift in my interactions. Tried to talk me through it. All I remember feeling was constricted; I couldn’t breathe. Paranoid thoughts ran through my head, thoughts that I didn’t deserve to be around such a wonderfully accepting group of people. How dare I, such an ugly, boring, obnoxious person, call these people my friends?

Another one of my friends wandered into the conversation. I don’t know how it got to such a point but he exclaimed to me: “Just be happy, Nea.” And perhaps his tone was soothing, but to me it was jagged, and pierced me like glass. I realize in hindsight that he had nothing else to say. How are you supposed to respond when one of your best friends rambles on about thoughts of suicide? My friends care for me, and simply want me to “be happy”. Unfortunately, when you are living with mental illness, it is not so easy.

Almost two years ago, I began a journey of self-reflection. I didn’t seek it out of desire or a conscious need for clarity. I simply had nowhere else to go. I had hit rock bottom enough times to understand that it certainly wasn’t getting me anywhere in life. No matter how many times I smacked to the bottom, it wasn’t going to give in. I could either keep giving into it, the darkness. Or have faith that a light existed above me.

This light, I have realized, stems from several aspects of this crazy and amazingly beautiful thing we call life. The light that guides me the most is rooted in my friendships. A group of goofy, loyal, incredibly aware, and compassionate individuals. Who for some reason, often still unknown to me, have refused to give up on one another. Refuse to give up on me.

It is difficult to open myself up to such caring relationships. I find it ironic that my biggest saving grace are my close friends, as interpersonal relationships are my biggest downfall.

I am impulsive. I am suicidal. I am in constant need of validation, and fear that I won’t receive it. I am infinitly more damaged and confused when it comes to forming attachements to others.

One of my friends expressed to me: “It is ok to let people love you.”

I hope that this is true. I want to believe it is. I want to understand and wholeheartedly hold confidence in the fact that I am worthy of love. That all of these things my friends identify as their favorite characteristics about me, that I am attractive, that I am funny, that I am passionate and intelligent, that I am strong, fascinating, become favorite characteristics of myself. That I discover facets of myself no one else has that I grow to love.

My journey is now leading me down a path of self-reflection. I could sit and wallow in the guilt I feel for my many past transgressions. I could soak in a pool of self-pity and demand attention from all around me. I crave love and acceptance so very much, yet shy from it, run from it, do all in my power to destroy those giving it to me, that I am just tired. Tired of living in the darkness.

I want to finally step into the light. Accept its rays, bathe in it’s vibrancy.

I am strong.

I am confident.

I am beautiful.

I am passionate.

I am creative.

I am no longer afraid of love.

I happen to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.

But I aspire to experience so much more.

 

What made today great:  I made my roommate and several friends breakfast this morning. The simply act of cooking for others soothes my soul.

Daily Affirmation: I am competent. Preparing for a job interview tomorrow! Very excited at the opportunity!

Goal for this coming week: Research yoga poses and studios in my area.

“Because that is when you love somebody – when you see them being game in the face of the worst. Not courageous. Not heroic. Just game”

-Philip Roth